I don’t have 100% love from my mother, or at least that’s what I feel. She’s not a perfect figure, also she always tries to debate with me whenever she can. In my childhood, I cannot remember any happy moments I had with my family: it was full of violence and screaming, and yelling. My older brother is abusive, punches me, and hurts me both physically and mentally every time. Until now, I just cannot forget it or get it past away, even though I have been trying many times, it will always be a pain in my heart that will never fade away, I just cannot accept my mom and my old brother for whatever they had done to me when I was a kid.
I cannot remember if she had helped me with anything, from providing me with financial support or providing me with food on the table. I had to eat crappy food all the time; she was a vegetarian, and for me, as I was a kid, I really wanted to eat meat. I look at my friends who have access to milk, cake, bread, and meat I just envy them. The only thing that I appreciated was freedom; she never forced me to study anything and let me be free to choose any career as long as I felt happy. She had told me to become a pharmacist or a factory worker, which has a low wage but doesn’t require studying anything (back then, I almost believed that higher education was unnecessary)
My old brother is definitely a mirror of her, the result of her production, which he is barely able to provides anything to the family. During the Tet holiday, I spent millions of Dong in lucky money for my parents, but he rarely gives anything; he’s older in age but immature. So is my mom; she cannot be a good sample as she never focuses on doing anything to perfection. I mean, she used to try opening restaurants and coffee shops, but then there were no guests coming in, and eventually she went bankrupt; all my dad’s money was gone.
What I’m trying to speak out is: my mother is equal to the following values: freedom, no education, no jobs/ profession, laziness, and stubbornness (also, she doesn’t believe in medicine, doctors, textbooks, and vaccines). These are all the traits I’m trying to avoid. Furthermore, she never gives a shit about my living condition or my feelings; I cannot talk with her for more than 5 minutes. She always gives advice that I don’t see value in, like she cares more about her thoughts than listening to me: how do I feel better if I’m not being listened to? I mean, I’m ready to listen to others and I have always been the one, but when I feel hurt and a lack of empathy, I really want to be listened from my loved one, right?
Nevertheless, if I try to be positive and have an objective view, my brother does make me become more humble and respect older people (which I used to be impolite to adult) and my mom does give me certain freedom and she does have trait that I copy from her, like cooking or cleaning the house (although her house always dirty as hell but I do see her cleaning the house from time to time, and now I make my house really clean on my own by copying her figure), also she gives me a perfect body, I am not disabled yet (the only defect right now are short eyesight and obesity), which I do feel lucky. Also, I’m not that ugly; most girls judging me are looking OK (like 6/10). Despite how much I hate her but I still value her availability so much, because she is keeping my dad alive, and keeping my dad mentally stable. Without her, my dad will be extremely lonely. I know that, so I appreciate her for keeping my dad alive (and possibly healthy).