In the title, the word die here can be understood metaphorically. I see a meme on Facebook showing a quote from Mark Twain and I put his quote as this dairy title. Ironically, I am 27 and will turn 28 by December this year.
It’s 12.36 PM here and I am still lying in bed. Yesterday was a Sunday night and I was overplaying a video game and hence forgot to sleep. I’m tired and feeling sad and bored at the same time. It’s truly a negative feeling that I feel shitty for the last 3 years after I break up with my ex. I can feel that it will never be the same, the past is bitter but then I realize it’s much less bitter if we live in a relationship. I feel empathy for anyone who has been breaking up or getting a divorce, they must be suffering so much emotionally.
Humans are emotional and social creatures that I read somewhere and I memorized that, a supervisor of mine once told me that and I realized that it is definitely true: we cannot live without human interaction. How can a lonely man live an easy life while isolated? The quote of Mark Twain can be understood as 27 is likely the age of most men growing up and facing difficulties in life. Most men at 27 are working men and they have to face hardship in relationships. And men are naturally born to face challenges, they have bigger muscles and stronger minds than women so they tend to choose hardship over comfort and an easy life. It’s that nature of their instinct causing them to suffer because they try to hide their emotion and have less social connectivity to make their life a bit easier. Women can talk and express their emotions easily, it’s like they have a natural power to release toxins from their own minds. We always try to isolate ourselves and keep the toxin in our mind and body and if we do try to release it we release it through video games, smoking alcohol, or eating junk foods and these are simply not very healthy. I am comparing the genders, because I feel the difference in behaviors of socialization: women have more close friends than men they are easier to set up a gossiping routine and they are more likely to speak with their mom than us.
And because of that, we are suffering. I have spent most of my time alone in the past 3 years since 2021 and now is almost mid-2023. Speaking of being alone means almost complete isolation: I never chat or at most on very rare occasions with families, relatives, colleagues, etc post-break-up. I tried to find a reason for that, and until now the answer is vague. But the fact that I was bullied in early childhood by my older brother and suffered violence within families, my dad could not hold his anger and control his sentiment very well. If I can think of my act of isolation having a cause, then I would say it’s definitely not because of the breakup with my ex, but because I have been suffering from a bad family. Knowing this I also inherited a part of impulsive and violent from my dad and brother, and I must cure it myself: I must make sure before I really start a relationship with anyone else, regardless of who the person is, I will not cause any pain to them. Therefore now I don’t feel I am good enough, at the time of this writing, I keep my distance myself from anyone else. People will see that I am not a talkative person outside, while I might chat a lot if I feel interested in specific topics. Isolation for me doesn’t mean not communicating with anyone – it’s simply not digging deep into a relationship and causing a great impression on others.
Anyway, that is some personal confidence for now, if you have a chance to read my personal blog then you have a chance to know its author, right? I need to start my day now it’s almost 1 PM so plenty of work needs to be covered. I also need to get some food too.